The creating moments of joy strategy of caregiving is practical and successful. Positive thinking is beneficial in all family relationships, and this is never more evident than when Alzheimer’s enters the picture. Our goal is to create joy, to create a better day. Communications with loved ones should be based on this premise.
When we adopt a positive attitude, the feeling is often contagious. We are more likely to use a friendly tone of voice, provide comfort and security, show interest and respect, and value their happiness. We can help them avoid feelings of anger, sadness, being alone, or being scared. Everyone wants to feel loved and needed. With a positive attitude and loving communication, we can help achieve all these things.
Our verbal communications are complemented by physical contact. Touching and hugging reinforce connection and concern. We can also rekindle warmth by looking into their eyes with a twinkle in our own. When loved ones are sad, don’t ask them what’s wrong. It will only make things worse. Touch them, and say, “I am sorry. That shouldn’t have happened.” Do not try to figure out their story; focus on their feelings and give them comfort.
Communication Tips
Over time, Alzheimer’s destroys communication skills. Reading, writing, listening, and speaking are all affected. Here are some suggestions for dealing with this reality.
- If a person is content or engaged, savor the moment.
- For people in early-stage dementia, leaving notes as reminders can sometimes help, but as the disease progresses, this will no longer work.
- It is beneficial to have their friends engaged as visitors, on phone calls, or by sending uplifting cards or notes, particularly during the early stage.
- People with Alzheimer’s are very sensitive. Be careful about what you say.
- Chat about long-term memories, not short-term memories.
- Give people with Alzheimer’s time to explain themselves, because they need to search for words that are evading them.
- Before Alzheimer’s, honesty was the best policy. Now therapeutic lying can solve problems and reduce stress. Remember that what is said will not be remembered tomorrow – or perhaps in five minutes. Your goal is to create joy now.
- Giving options often causes problems: “Would you like a walk in the garden or to watch a movie?” produces frustration and confusion. Just go to the garden and try to enjoy it.
- They may say they want to go home even when they are home. If you do take them home, they will still want to go home. What they really mean is they are uncomfortable and want to be more secure. Help them relax and give them a reason to stay wherever they are. Show that you care.
- Asking your loved one to make long-term commitments will not work, because this will invariably be forgotten. Don’t expect the impossible.
- Do not say, “Do you remember?” Usually, they don’t.
- Spontaneous recall of words becomes more challenging as we age. Alzheimer’s magnifies the problem, and when Alzheimer’s progresses there are long pauses during which words cannot be summoned. Initially, it may be impolite to interject the missing words, but eventually this will provide welcome relief for everyone.
- Expect them to stop initiating conversations. They are waiting for you to do so.
- As Alzheimer’s advances, it’s our duty to turn our questions around so all they have to say is yes or no.
- Eventually, caregivers must carry the entire burden of conversations. Monologues become common and demanding. There is nothing wrong with allowing longer periods of silence to take place.
Dealing with Conflict
No matter how careful and conscientious you are, there will be differences of opinion. It is unavoidable and never fun. But there are some actions you can take to reduce the discomfort.
- Stay calm and be patient; keep your own emotions in check.
- Acknowledge your loved one’s feelings and let them know you understand (“I can see why you feel that way.”)
- When possible, change the subject and avoid the conflict. Redirect the conversation to something they like to talk about.
- It is a good idea to always have in mind several topics that are favorite subjects that your loved one likes to talk about. For example, ask them to tell you one of the stories you are bored to death hearing about. They will relish having the opportunity to talk about something they are comfortable with, and you can avoid an argument.
- If your loved one is confused and afraid, give comfort and encouragement. Tell them you are there to support them.
- When there are conflicting opinions, being rational and logical does not help. The person with Alzheimer’s will not respond to reasonable arguments. Instead, use simple, declarative sentences about what is going to happen.
- Seek help; involve a third party. Your doctor, another professional, or a friend may be able to help resolve the issue.
- Choose your battles wisely; prioritize.
- Sometimes it makes sense to just agree with them. There often are differences of opinion in which people with Alzheimer’s are clearly wrong. But when that is the case, does it really matter who wins an argument? In either case, your loved one will forget the discussion, let alone who won the argument. Why not just agree, drop the issue, and proceed as if it never happened?
- Other times, it may make sense to just leave the room. Time for a bathroom break!
- Conflicting opinions have been common throughout our lives. In the past, we have found ways to get through the discomfort of a situation by letting the subject drop, switching to a new topic, leaving the room, etc. It’s part of the human game of interaction.
- Remember that you have loved them for years for lots of reasons. They didn’t want Alzheimer’s either.
Communicating with someone who has Alzheimer’s isn’t easy, but there are moments of lightheartedness. When you can find these moments and focus on staying positive, it will go a long way in breaking up the tedium and helping you create those moments of joy.