Fortunately, society has progressed since my generation grew up in the post-World War II era. At that time, men were often bread winners and women were housewives. The role models of the day influenced how we thought and who we became. We’ve been adapting ever since, but there has been a lot to overcome. This piece was written in 2005 and published in the Boulder Daily Camera.
Male Code of Conduct
Robert Fulghum created quite a stir twenty years ago when he wrote All I Really Need to Know I Learned in Kindergarten. After all, he reasoned, what else is necessary? Share. Play fair. Don’t hit people. Put things back where you found them. Clean up your own mess. Don’t take things that aren’t yours. Say you’re sorry when you hurt somebody. Wash your hands before you eat. Flush. Learn some and think some and draw and paint and sing and dance and play and work some every day. Take a nap in the afternoon. When you go out into the world, watch out for traffic, hold hands, and stick together.
The world would be a different place if Fulghum’s kindergarten classroom lessons were all that we learned. But the truth is that the boys were learning a more compelling set of values on the playground. Winning is fun. Don’t be a sissy. Being bigger, stronger, and faster is better. Boys don’t cry. Don’t tattle. I’m king of the castle, and you’re the dirty rascal. Show me a good loser, and I’ll show you a loser. There is a pecking order.
The reason that these values were more compelling is that they were taught by our peers, consistent with our inclinations, and validated by our fathers.
As we men approached manhood, this evolved into a Code of Conduct that dictated standards of behavior for most American men. Act like a man. Stand on your own two feet. Believe in yourself. Be strong. Be independent. Be self-reliant. Actions speak louder than words. Compete. More is better. Your job is to solve problems, not share them. Keep your own counsel. Don’t expose your weaknesses. Don’t show your emotions. Stay in control. If winning wasn’t important, we wouldn’t keep score. Stir it all together and the bottom-line was: don’t allow yourself to become vulnerable. That became our biggest fear.
Men’s infatuation with sports is the logical extension of this upbringing. Competition is something we think we understand. In any case, we are comfortable with it. It is our natural state. Our Code of Conduct also explains why so many of us are obsessed with our work. We are supposed to be the primary breadwinners. Our work is our competitive playing field. That’s where we think we belong. That is where we find our identity and fulfillment.
When two women become close friends, they share their feelings and talk about their relationships. Because of our Code of Conduct, men usually don’t. That’s a ticket to vulnerability. Typically, we have fewer close friends because we are programmed to be independent. Even with our best friends, we are more likely to discuss common interests than our feelings. It’s not by choice. It’s not by chance. We are who we are. We simply find it hard to talk about feelings and relationships. How can you talk about your feelings and at the same time keep your own counsel, retain control, and avoid showing your weaknesses and emotions? You can’t.
A true story about a group of senior men who meet weekly for discussion and comradeship points out how deep-seated this problem is. When several members’ wives died, a facilitator was brought to one of their meetings to help them discuss their feelings. The tension mounted and the conversation waned. When the facilitator left, one of the men commented, “If that guy comes back again, he’s going to break up this group.” Men have feelings but disclosing them – particularly in a group – is threatening. As this example suggests, the solution will rarely be found in communal bloodlettings.
The Male Code of Conduct is a path to psychological isolation because it requires that we try to be more than we really are – or can be. Nobody lives without weaknesses and vulnerabilities. Most of us have learned how to adapt, and we move through life with a certain amount of stoicism. But that does not mean that we are getting all out of our lives that is possible. The solution only comes when we recognize the game that is being played and develop close relationships with people that allow us to open-up.