Chapter Six

10.5.2023

Each week, some residents go on Hope’s Golden Gathering field trips in the Cherrywood van. Recent excursions included scenic mountain drives, the Butterfly Pavilion, and several restaurants. Gayla especially enjoyed today’s trip to Anderson Farms for a picnic, hayrack ride, and a front row seat to watch school children explore the cornfield maze, pet farm animals, and make a lot of noise. The long-retired educator is still happiest when she is within earshot of kids.

10.7.2023

Brooke and I joined Gayla and many of the Cherrywood residents and staff on the annual Boulder County Walk to End Alzheimer’s, part of the national effort that raised $100 million to fight the disease. The large crowd confirmed the huge impact this scourge has made in our community and around the world. While I have annually donated to the Alzheimer’s cause for years, this experience triggered a greater personal commitment to be involved and try to make a difference.

10.12.2023

Gayla loves music and has enjoyed being in various choirs over the years. So, it is great that Cherrywood usually has well-attended afternoon music programs that include soloists, group concerts, or singalongs. The wide variety of performances has impressed me, but there are also some repeat performers singing the same songs each time that always are fresh and entertaining for the Cherrywood audience.  

10.15.2023

Gayla goes to Cherrywood for a couple of hours on the Sundays that Brooke and I attend our support group meetings. During that time, she attends worship services provided by Elisa Bosley, a licensed, nondenominational chaplain who specializes in meeting the spiritual needs of elders, especially those with Alzheimer’s and other dementias. Each time I pick Gayla up, she is smiling. When I probe into why she is in a such a good mood, she comments about how much she appreciates Elisa’s services.

10.26.2023

I have been bound by the pledge I made four years ago, that Gayla and I would travel this journey together. From the beginning, I knew that a day of reckoning would come, and I feared it. I thought I would be confronted with a decision that would pit Gayla’s best interests against my own. Well, that day of reckoning has come, but my concern never materialized.

A couple of months ago, Andria explained to Brooke and me that we should start thinking about moving Gayla to Cherrywood because it was becoming apparent that this would be the best decision for all of us. The challenges would continue to increase, and the toll Alzheimer’s would take would become untenable. This thought has been lodged in my mind ever since, and during that time, everything that has happened seems to have validated Andria’s observation.

Most importantly, I have come to accept that Gayla will be safer and healthier at Cherrywood than at home. I cannot be with her 24/7, and as evidenced by the medication overdose, the kitchen stove episode, and the swollen tongue emergency, there are unknown risks that can surface at any time. This concern is more compelling because of her declining responsiveness and awareness in recent weeks. Having staff nurses available ensures better responses than I ever could provide. Additionally, with professional caregivers her diet, exercise, and weight control will be monitored more closely. When I combine these considerations with the positive feelings Gayla has about the social interaction Cherrywood provides, I am now comfortable that the move is the proper decision. Gayla undoubtedly will not be pleased with the move initially, but I expect that she will adapt and be comfortable after a period of adjustment. These thoughts lead me toward a decision to make this change, but there was a neighborhood tragedy that made the decision even clearer.

Several weeks ago, an elderly lady in our community tried to cross Cherry Street and was run over and killed by a moving vehicle. Had she been more aware of her situation, the accident would have been avoided. Initially, I was concerned for her friends and family, but she was a distant acquaintance, and the accident was not personal. What finally stuck me when thinking about the pending move was that Gayla could have been that lady. She is no longer adequately aware of her surroundings or the activities that are taking place around her. She now needs full-time caregiving, and no individual can provide that every minute of every day. Realizing this has made it clear that it is now time for Gayla to move to Cherrywood. 

10.28.2023

After meeting with the Cherrywood staff, we decided that we will increase her hours and Gayla will remain in the Cherrywood day program for the next two months, during which she will be provided with a day room (normally reserved for respite visits) in which she can take rest breaks whenever she chooses. This will allow her to adapt to having her own space there. In January, we will make the transition to full-time residency. While this will be a difficult transition, I am confident that it is the right decision for Gayla, her family, and all the people who care about her welfare.

This moment joins many others that have been agonizing during the past few years. Gayla is more than a part of me. My life could never have been so rewarding and happy without her. She has brought joy into my life even as her mental skills have declined. After she moves, we will still spend time together and go out for a few meals. But the thought of future evenings at home without her leaves me sad and empty. However, life must go on. 

10.31.2023

Today gave me more confidence that I made the right decision. This morning, Gayla came out of her bedroom wearing pink shorts, which did not make sense when the temperature outside was in the twenties. She balked when I suggested she change into wearing jeans. This started a small drama that lasted about fifteen minutes and revealed that she had a pair of blue shorts under the pink ones. Strange as that may seem, it turns out that the blue shorts were put on inside out and she had no underwear. This was the first sign that incontinence may be an emerging issue.

11.2.2023

With the decision made and Gayla’s condition declining, I started to question why we were waiting until January. Brooke and I talked briefly about moving Gayla’s transition to Cherrywood up from January to early December. We will talk more about it tomorrow. Gayla seemed to be in better spirits today, but the confusion rages. When she returned home this afternoon, she planned to walk around the park across Cherry Street but did not do so. She did, however, write a note for me: “I’m sleeping my way around the park.” She is living in a fog. I knew that this moment was coming, but the optimist in me always thought it was a long way off. Reality is now.

11.8.2023

Today, I met with Beth, who heads up Cherrywood’s leasing and life enrichment programs, to begin the process for Gayla to move in early December. The move will involve logistics that I will not include in this journal. All the professionals we have talked with have advised us to avoid telling Gayla about the move until that day. This eliminates days of anxiety and unhappiness. 

11.12.2023

A day of sharp contrasts. This morning, before it was time to take Gayla to Cherrywood, she volunteered that she was ready to go whenever I was. Positive and upbeat! And this afternoon when I picked her up, it was more of the same. Tonight, however, when she asked about what was on the agenda for tomorrow, I mentioned that she was going to Cherrywood. Her response: “I did that today, and I don’t need to do it again tomorrow.” The mood swings are expected with this disease, and caregivers are not ever able to feel comfortable for very long.

11.15.2023

Today, I attended Hope’s Golden Gathering field trip to Monarch K-8, where Ann, a Cherrywood resident, read parts of her book about animals and mathematics to elementary students. This was particularly meaningful to us because Monarch K-8 is the school Gayla opened as a principal twenty-five years ago. I was impressed by the students’ diversity and discipline. And I was even more impressed with the performance of the Balfour staff. Drew, Beth, Hope and Christi were exceptionally caring and attentive to their residents. I have complete confidence that Cherrywood is going to be a safe and stimulating environment for Gayla as we move into her transition.

11.18.2023

Since her diagnosis over four years ago, I have been sure that I eventually would have to make the decision for Gayla to move to a memory care facility. It has loomed like an approaching black cloud and was threatening because it meant that I would be placing Gayla in a situation that I was sure would make her sad. What a stark contrast to the creating moments of joy caregiving strategy that has guided my decisions since the diagnosis. But here we are, and, surprisingly, I do not have the feeling of guilt that I expected. I feel like I have devoted the last four years of my life to making her as happy as she could be. And I am confident that – in time – she will be more comfortable and happier with the activities and security that Cherrywood provides than she would ever feel being isolated at home. This is a welcomed relief.

11.25.2023

The days are creeping by, and we are getting closer to December 6^th. Each day is painful. In the past, I have thought that I am in love with a memory, and that is true. The Gayla of the past is extraordinary. But I am also in love with the Gayla that that is with us now. She is a caring, loving person who wants a kinder world. Because she cares so deeply, she struggles with the nightly news that focuses on people who are suffering. Fortunately, TV news will not be a part of her new life.

12.6.2023

It is done. Two weeks of intensive preparation resulted in a smoother than expected move today. The people at Cherrywood were terrific in accommodating our needs and facilitating the move. Brooke and Judy kept Gayla busy offsite, and We Move Your Mom moved the furniture, clothes, and other property (and hung the pictures). Everything was in place this afternoon, when I escorted Gayla into Cherrywood and back to her newly furnished room. I asked her if anything looked different, and she seemed confused. The furniture was familiar, the room was familiar, but…. I told her this is where she was going to live now, that I would see her often, and that she was home with her friends. She replied, “I can do this.” 

“It is done. Two weeks of intensive preparation resulted in a smoother than expected move today.”

After all the stress and anguish, there was no negative emotional response – at least for the moment. With a sigh of relief, I asked Gayla if she wanted to stay in her room for a while or go back out with the other residents. She chose to go out, and when I got to the Town Hall (activities center), I waved to Beth to come over. I explained that Gayla’s response was, “I can do this.” Beth wrapped Gayla in her arms and said, “Welcome to our home.” For me, the warmth of that greeting was the highlight of the day. Then, Beth took Gayla to the kitchen where they were just starting a baking activity that Gayla had previously said she wanted to participate in. When I left, tears welled up in my eyes, but everybody else seemed to be doing fine.

12.9.2023

All of the planning and organization that went into Gayla’s move on December 6^th is now a blur. The most important thing is that Gayla accepted the change gracefully – at least initially. But I have been so focused on Gayla and her needs for so long that I never considered how this move would affect me. I have been more emotional in the last couple of days than any other time I can remember. I feel a huge sense of loss. My best friend who has been the total focus of my life for the last four years now lives under another roof! I will rebuild my life, and time will heal, but I don’t ever remember this feeling of emptiness. 

12.10.2023

Brooke, Robb and I took Gayla out to dinner tonight. We had been advised to stay out of contact the first few days so that Gayla could begin to adjust to her new living situation. So, this was the first time we have seen her since the move. She was as happy to see us as we were to see her. She is terribly confused and was not able to meaningfully engage in our conversations, but she looks great, and we can tell that she is being well cared for She seems to adore the caregivers there and treats them all with love and respect. I left feeling that she is in the right place. Given her condition, I can’t imagine a better situation for her.

12.12.2023

When I picked Gayla up today to go out to lunch, she was sad and wanted to come back to our house. At lunch, I was able to flip her mood by saying that I love her and miss her as much as she misses me. I said she would feel better in time because she has always been a positive, upbeat person. It is her nature not to stay down or depressed. I added that Cherrywood may not always feel right to her because it is a change from what she is used to. But Cherrywood is the right place for her. She has always been an extrovert and likes being with people. When she is home, she doesn’t have anything to do but sit in her chair. She also has always gotten a lot of satisfaction from being a leader and helping other people. That is what brings her fulfillment. She can’t do that at home, but she can at Cherrywood. In addition, she has repeatedly told me she loves the staff, (which she immediately confirmed), and the staff love her because of her positive attitude! 

She wasn’t happy about going back to Cherrywood, but when we got there, she was very pleasant with the people and wanted to be back involved with the activities. I know we will see fluctuations in Gayla’s acceptance of her new situation, but I think that constant reinforcement of these messages will be helpful in making her adjustment.

12.15.2023

There was a Friday afternoon mixer at Cherrywood with families coming together to welcome the holiday season. Brooke and I were stunned by the positive cheer in the air and the warm camaraderie. Forget being morose. There were more walkers than you usually find at holiday cocktail parties, but the happiness and cheer would rival other holiday parties. This is a group that appreciates the opportunity to share joy.  

12.22.2023

The holiday mixer a week ago was just a practice run. Chef Alex prepared the most wonderful meal of the year for our Christmas Holiday Candlelight Dinner. Families sat at private tables with white tablecloths and were served by staff members all dressed in black. The staff treated the residents and families as though we were at a five-star restaurant. And the meal was incredible. Brooke and I were in awe. Gayla deserves the best. She is in the right place!

12.31.2023

I feel encouraged as we head into a new year, mostly because I have come to accept the reality that has defined us. The past ten years have been increasingly difficult, as Alzheimer’s undermined our lives. But Gayla and I have managed it as well as we know how. Wishing for changes that cannot come accomplishes nothing. We will continue to do the best we can and find a little joy along the way.