News & Views 10
Crying is a Blessing
(Note: This newsletter was written the week before Gayla’s unexpected death, but the sentiments are even more heart-felt now.)
In the post-World War II era, boys were programed not to cry. Crying was for babies, girls, and “sissies.” It was unmanly. We learned how to “suck it up.”
For many of us, the tears that have come over the years have been stifled by this unwritten code of conduct. We did not learn how to cry deeply. Instead, we approached emotional issues with stoicism. Emotions were often locked up inside. Imagine a car in which the driver presses down hard on the accelerator and the brake at the same time. It’s a kind of internal hemorrhaging. This is not anything to be proud of, and it is an unfortunate burden for anyone who becomes a caregiver.
I cried more since Gayla’s Alzheimer’s diagnosis than at any other time in my life. While I am still restrained, I’ve cried for her and for us. I’ve cried about the frustrations and the losses. And I’ve cried about the future. But mostly. I’ve cried because love ensures it, as Brooke so beautifully explained.
“When I think of all the tears I continue to shed, what I keep coming back to is the depth of love and gratitude I have for my mom. My tears come from that place. Yes, they are an expression of pain—for the loss, the loneliness, the sadness of not having the mom I grew up with. But they are also an acknowledgment of the deep well of love I have for her. And every sob or keening session I experience, is a tribute to her. A way to thank her for all she has done for me. And it is also cleansing. It is a pouring out of my heart, giving voice to how much she has touched and changed my life. How much she means to me. Each tear is a memory.”
Crying for someone you love is different than crying about your own losses. It relieves stress and draws you closer to your loved one. It alleviates grief and confronts the forces that are pulling you apart. As it reflects your pain, it intensifies your love. Crying doesn’t remove sadness, but it brings relief and is a way to renew yourself.
Alzheimer’s is an evil curse that disrupts lives and imposes sadness. However, Alzheimer’s has not detracted from the heart-warming memories I have of the life that Gayla and I shared through the years. I have learned that crying brings renewal, warmth, and the comforting feeling of love. And crying as an Alzheimer’s caregiver made my favorite memories more vivid and alive. The surprise is that crying has been good for me and is a blessing I never expected.
The www.ThoughtsForAlzheimersCaregivers.com website provides a good overview of the caregiving journey for people who are experiencing caregiving challenges. And our newsletters and the News & Views section of the website will continue to bring new suggestions in the coming weeks and months.
If you have questions about the caregiving process, please don’t hesitate to contact us at [email protected]. These will be addressed in personal responses or upcoming newsletters.