News & Views 9
Changing Friendships
My mom had more friends than anyone I know as she moved through her life! She kept in touch with high school friends and college friends, made teacher friends, running friends, tennis friends, golf friends, had the Girlfriend Principals, you name it. As she began to lose her memory, the grief that passed through her various friend groups was felt deeply. People longed to see her, to spend time with her, to make sure she was okay. As time went on, she was less and less okay. Unable to be around others who weren’t in her safe circle. This was incredibly challenging for many to understand.
A person with Alzheimer’s lives in a shrinking world. Repetition of questions turns to misplacing things, turns to memory loss, confusion, losing track of time and space, forgetting people. Friends who want to come visit don’t always understand that their dear one with Alzheimer’s may not know who they are or might not want to see them. It’s hard for the caregiver to explain this, and it can create tension and discomfort. It’s an awkward and uncomfortable position for everyone.
There are no easy answers. The fact is, friendships diminish, which is hard on everyone. Feelings get hurt, and we as caregivers have a tough time managing all the emotions; especially when we are so buried in our own experience of exhaustion, overwhelming sadness, and grief. I know my dad and I struggled with this part of the equation. The best we could do was gently explain that Mom had regressed into herself and was now most comfortable with the people she lived with. And, once she started the day program, we said she related more to those in the program than she did with others, which was true. And we apologized. Apologized and apologized.
But we eventually found it was imperative to maintain contact with a few close friends, for everyone’s sake. They were a lifeline for us. These friends were able to connect with Mom and give us a reprieve from caregiving when she was still living at home. To love Mom in a way she needed to be loved. They took Mom out of Cherrywood for lunches or visits, and even though she didn’t always know who they were, she recognized them as safe.
It was painful to see how diminished my mom’s once vast world became. To know that so many of her friends no longer had any contact with her in her last years. But Mom’s love was still so palpable in the way her best friends continued to show up. In the outpouring of grief and love that has been expressed since her passing. And in the memories we all have of the countless friendships that were so meaningful to her throughout her life. That will never change.
The www.ThoughtsForAlzheimersCaregivers.com website provides a good overview of the caregiving journey for people who are experiencing caregiving challenges. And our newsletters and the News & Views section of the website will continue to bring new suggestions in the coming weeks and months.
If you have questions about the caregiving process, please don’t hesitate to contact us at [email protected]. These will be addressed in personal responses or upcoming newsletters.