Article 5
Dealing With Grief
Gayla’s passing a few weeks ago has caused profound sadness and overwhelming
grief. We have been consumed by the loss. It is hard to make sense of it all, to regain
our bearings.
We grieve for Gayla and that grief is an expression of love. She was an extraordinary
gift to her family, friends, students, parents, and coworkers. But we also grieve for
ourselves. As hard as dealing with Alzheimer’s caregiving is, I still enjoyed holding her
hands over a dinner table, staring into her eyes, and getting her to smile or laugh. My
ability to make her smile when we were together was rewarding, joyful and gave
purpose to my life. I have found it truly comforting to focus on all the positive things that
Gayla and I shared over our 57 years of marriage.
The end of the journey was not just the loss of a partner, but of a shared history, a
partnership, and everything that Gayla represented to me. When we lose a loved one,
we lose a primary focus of our lives. And as another caregiver said to me, you also lose
your job.
Grief lingers and comes in waves. Douglas Abrams observed, “Grief is the reminder of
the depth of our love. Without love there is no grief. So, when we feel our grief,
uncomfortable and aching as it may be, it is a reminder of the beauty of that love.”
Caregivers have such a hard time going through the journey, we can’t fathom how much
we may miss it when it’s over.
Nothing about Alzheimer’s caregiving is easy, and we should not expect grief at the end
of the journey is to be any easier. Sadness isn’t something we get over, as much as it is
something we must learn to live with. And this change in our lives creates opportunities
for us to grow, to be more aware and engaged in our communities. This is the key to
moving forward, and both individual and group therapy can be beneficial. How can I live
a new life that is fulfilling and honors Gayla’s values and her memory?
While sorting through this, I turned to The Book of Joy, which recounts a week-long
meeting between the Dalai Lama and Desmond Tutu several years ago. Commenting
on the loss of a loved one, the Dalai Lama said, “The way through the sadness and grief
that comes from great loss is to use it as motivation and to generate a deeper sense of
purpose…. If the one you have lost could see you, and you are determined and full of
hope, they would be happy. With the great sadness of the loss, one can live an even
more meaningful life.”
The Dalai Lama’s words are powerful and reflect a way to transform sorrow into
something meaningful. Grief can feel paralyzing at times, but it also can be channeled
into a renewed sense of purpose. Helping others negotiate the Alzheimer’s journey is a
way for me to honor Gayla’s memory and will bring a deeper sense of meaning and
fulfillment to my life.
If you have questions about the caregiving process, please don’t hesitate to contact us
at [email protected]. These will be addressed in personal
responses or upcoming newsletters.